I had a race with a car full of boy racers on the way home. I won. Tossers. I drove very dangoursly throwing caution to the wind. The boy racers then sped off to Saltburn straight on at the roundabout while I turned left to Marske. I then decided to have an adventure.....
instead of turning into my drive I carried on, past the pillar boxes and train bridge and on and on and on. On and on sort of heading to the beach. At the beach I parked up, got out, and bought a lemon top from this nice man selling icecreams which I found strange seeing as nobody was there, it was 2.43am. The icecream mans name was Tobias, it was printed on the side of his van, I stood next to his van eating my icecream and thought I would strike up a conversation, I said, "that's a strange name, my great great great uncles name was Tobias, he was a photographer."
"Wow, that is strange, I'm a photographer too," said Tobias.
"That's dead wierd. What sort of stuff do you take pictures of?" 'He's going to say documentary style photograhs of the working classes, He's going to say documentary style photograhs of the working classes.' I thought to myself.
"Documentary style photograhs of the working classes. I just hang out in the Dundas Arcade, and Hartlepool town centre on a night, snapping away."Tobias said.
"Ahhh so you're a bit like Martin Parr. Just out of interest, do you live in Ealing House, down Stockton Road in Hartlepool?"
"Erm,yes I used to."
"You're my Goddamn great great great uncle aren't you?"
"Yes. I must be."
"But I thought you died in the late 1800's?"
"No, I faked my death, I staged a tragic dark room accident, where I got crushed by an enlarger that wasn't properly fastened to the wall."
"How are you still alive?"
"I was messing on with my new icecream maker, icecream was the thing back then, and I happened to stumble across a recipe that was very strange. I first started to notice the strangeness of this flavour when the paper cut I had on my finger suddenly healed when I got icecream on it by accident. So I made this icecream again, exactly the same as before and fed it to my new next door neighbour who was blind. And what do you think happened?"
"He could see?" I felt a bit scared now, and just wanted to go home, but couldn't leave, I don't like being rude. The wind was getting cold, and I wore a really short skirt to the Arena and my legs were freezing.
"You guessed right niece." He said, laughing that he'd addressed me as 'niece', and then he carried on, "So I knew this recipe was special. And then as the years wore on and everyone around me grew old I then started to notice that I looked the same as I did when I was 30, when I first ate the icecream, I haven't aged a bit for over 100 years. I thought people might start to notice, so that's when I staged my death and decided to roam around choosing people that I thought deserved the gift of eternal youth and life."
"Could I be really cheeky and ask if I could possibly have an eternal youth icecream?"
"Is that not what you asked for?"
"No, I said a lemon top." He stared at me from behind handsome thick Charlie from Busted type eyebrows. He was actually quite handsome and I felt a bit funny fancying my uncle, I was trying to figure out if it would count as incest if I kissed him, and decided it wouldn't as he married my great great grandad's sister and wasn't actually a blood relation when it suddenly dawned on me why he was staring at me in that funny way. I dropped my icecream and it went on my left catshoe, and I swore, and then he smiled and said, "Goodbye Laura. I wish you all the health and happiness in the world. By the way you've got lovely skin." He then switched on his jingle, which was 'Model' by Kraftwerk, and then slowly drove off over the bumpy carpark, that needs redoing.
"Wait Tobias, my dad's doing the family tree and he'd love to meet you. By the way about the skin, I know, everyone tells me that."
Pling pling pling pling...that's an impression of the sound of him driving away down the coast road, completely ignoring me. I was then just stood in the carpark on my own in the pitch dark, and my car alarm went off. I walked slowly back to the car and then get in strap myself in, and then I realised I never told him my name. But anyway it's all good, because I'm never going to get old. That was my adventure, and you lot went home. BAH. Look what you missed out on. Eternal youth. That's what. Bet you're proper gutted.